Agent Coulson’s Fieldtrip

Happy Monday, Chronics! Like I mentioned on Friday, I had to go in for a tune-up at the cardiologist. It was a never-ending appointment, as many are, and in order to make it more fun, I decided to bring along some friends. Here, for your reading pleasure, is the dramatic retelling of my Friday, starring Agent Coulson and Nick Fury, with special guest, Iron Man. If you have not read my previous post, Avengers, Assemble! you may wish to do so, as this post will make little to no sense to you without context. Unless, of course, nonsensical is your thing. Then by all means, continue. Previous posts can be navigated to over there in the left hand column. Enjoy! –Nic

Mission: Go to Cardiologist appointment at Hospital Center. Find out why Agent Coulson is blacking out more frequently and generally feels pretty gross.

Agent Coulson doesn’t like going to doctor’s appointments. You never know if you will be there for 5 minutes (wait for 3 minutes, see the doctor for 2 minutes) or for 5 hours (wait for 4 hours and 58 minutes, see the doctor for 2 minutes). Because of this, he has to pack for the worst-case scenario- that he will be there all day. It is hard to pack light for a worst-case scenario.

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Hydration is key.

Agent Coulson is not allowed to drive, as his run-in with Loki (a.k.a POTS) has left him altered. Good thing Nick Fury, fearless director of S.H.I.E.L.D, was able to rearrange his work schedule to help Coulson out. The fact that he only has one good eye does not hinder Nick Fury’s driving capabilities. He is Nick Fury, after all.

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Once at the Hospital Center where the cardiologist is located, Agent Coulson must gear up for the waiting part of this endeavor…

But first, he and Nick Fury argue over who gets to press the elevator button. (Coulson won, it is his appointment they’re going to after all!)

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Waiting for the elevator at the busy Hospital Center can take nearly as long as waiting for the cardiologist.

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And then there’s that horrible elevator music.

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Dum, de, dum, dum, dum…

Nick Fury prides himself on his amazing sense of direction. One visit is all this mastermind needs to memorize the floor plan. Unfortunately, due to a battle-injury, Nick Fury doesn’t walk quite as fast as Agent Coulson, so he is forced to endure Coulson speeding ahead, only to turn around every 5 seconds to say “Is it this way?” “It’s a right here, yes? No, left, that’s right. Wait, right?”

IMG_0687 Eventually, they get to where they are going.

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I knew we’d get there eventually.

Agent Coulson and his companion find a seat. It’s comfy, with plenty of room to spread out.

IMG_0657After ½ hour of staring at the ceiling, Agent Coulson figures he might as well see what Mila Kunis has to say about all the hype surrounding her recent engagement and pregnancy with Ashton Kutcher. Engrossed, he is sure that a significant amount of time has passed, however, when he looks up, it is only 5 minutes later.

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#Bored

Finally, finally, Jarvis, computer assistant to Iron Man, calls Coulson for his turn. Nick Fury dutifully accompanies him. This is mainly because Agent Coulson has a tendency to forget things (not just directions), and Nick Fury is there to make sure Jarvis gets all the facts. He is very helpful that way.

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Got that, Jarvis?

Once Jarvis has recorded what’s been going on since Coulson’s last appointment, Nick Fury can relax. He so rarely has 5 minutes to himself, and he settles in happily, with the latest edition of his favorite magazine.

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#ZenFury

Meanwhile, Agent Coulson has to lie down, in preparation for his orthostatic testing.

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No, this exam table isn’t intimidating, at all.

Jarvis will have Coulson lie down flat for a few minutes, take his blood pressure and heart rate, then have him sit up for a few minutes, take his blood pressure and heart rate, and then have him stand for a few minutes and take his blood pressure and heart rate. Agent Coulson requested no photographs at this time, as orthostatic testing makes him pale and sweaty.

More waiting, and then finally, the cardiologist- I mean, IronMan, makes his entrance. The Black Sabbath soundtrack that always seems to follow Iron Man’s every move gently rouses Agent Coulson from the nap he has been taking on the exam table.

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Huh? The doctor’s here? What? Yes, I’m up…

Iron Man says, first thing’s first, let’s get an EKG. Coulson dutifully allows himself to be hooked up to various electrodes. This will test the electricity of his heart- something he doesn’t really get, but that Iron Man says looks good, so Coulson takes that at face value.

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Careful taking the electrode stickers off, Coulson, they’ll peel your paint!

Next it’s time for Iron Man to take a listen to Coulson’s heart. This takes some adjusting.

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Finally, Iron Man makes his recommendations, gesturing helpfully to a poster of heart function so that Agent Coulson can attempt to follow.

IMG_0683 Nick Fury, ever helpful, takes notes in—What else?—Agent Coulson’s Avengers notebook where he keeps all his medical info.

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Take a beta blocker at bedtime, got it!

Tests are ordered, medication is called in to Black Widow at the Pharmacy, and just like that the appointment is over. Agent Coulson thanks Iron Man for his time.

IMG_0663The day is far from over, however, as Iron Man has given Agent Coulson a form to get bloodwork done, downstairs in the lab. Coulson would rather wait till Monday, as he is very fatigued from the effort of it all, but Nick Fury convinces him that they might as well get it done while they are here. More elevators, more waiting.

Agent Coulson wants to document this continued portion of his mission.

But the lab looks like this:

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But cleaner, of course

And the phlebotomist looks like this:

eddiemurphyvampireinbro

NOT AN EXAGGERATION…ok, maybe a little…

So he doesn’t dare.

By the time all that is done, night has fallen. Nick Fury and Agent Coulson trudge back to the car. They got some good information out of Iron Man today, and things are looking up for Agent Coulson. He has to wear a continuous heart monitor for the next two weeks that tracks his every heartbeat, and they’ll stop by the pharmacy to see Black Widow about his new meds on their way home. A quick dinner, maybe read a few chapters of his favorite book and it’s in to bed for Agent Coulson.

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#BedtimeStories

He is exhausted!

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Agent Coulson prefers stuffed elephants to Teddy bears…doesn’t everyone?

Mission Complete =)

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