Chronic readers, I have not been feeling well. I didn’t post on Thursday, but I figured I’d feel better by today, Tuesday, and I’d make up for it.
But I really don’t feel better.
Ok, so yeah, what else is new, right?
It’s a tricky thing to try and determine if this particular I don’t feel well is different than your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill I don’t feel well. So my body is trying to be helpful and let me know the difference, mostly by multiplying the yuck times 100 so it’s super obvious that this is most definitely a flare-up.
I haven’t been sleeping. In its quest to adjust to the Springtime change in temperature, my body has decided that extremes are the best way to go. I go to bed at a relatively normal temperature, only to wake up a few hours later so hot my brain feels like it’s boiling, and my skin is covered in an itchy red heat rash. I have a fan, have given up on blankets and sheets, and our house is a normal temperature. But, I have to get up, run washcloths under the cold tap, and put them all over me when I go back to bed. My feet are red and swollen, so I stand for an extra minute on the tile bathroom floor, moving from space to space as the heat transfers from me to the floor, in an effort to find a cool spot. All that standing added to the fact that I don’t take meds every 3 hours at night the way I do during the day means that my heart will start to pound, and so I go back to bed, stare at the ceiling, biofeedback breathing and covered in wet, now lukewarm washcloths, for an hour or so before I can fall fitfully to sleep.
Because of this, I’ve been having trouble getting up in the morning. I have alarms set so that I can get up and eat breakfast and start medicating (every 3 hours with occasional additions, 8am to 9pm, my phone rings every. single. day.) I have medical transcriptionist training and exercise to be doing; projects like transferring home movies to DVD and keeping up with my sewing and blogging all wait for my attention. Suki really, really wants to go out. Like now.
But I don’t want to do any of it. When I tell myself it’s time to sit, my body wants to move around. When I tell myself it’s time to run, my body just wants to crawl back into bed.
All of my days are running into each other, and while I know today is Tuesday, I can’t believe that it is already the 21st of April. I was going to send my friends Easter cards. I have the package on my desk next to my computer with a sticky note that says “WRITE AND SEND THESE” but I never followed my own instructions.
This past weekend, my stomach symptoms were so severe that I lost 3 pounds. I still tried to get to Target in time to buy a $40 Lilly Pulitzer dress, but they were all sold out even though I got there super early. I felt like the universe should have given me that one. I mean, I’m trying to function through the pain and all. #GimmeAChronicBreak
When I am lying in bed staring at my ceiling (#ChronicConfinement), I think a lot. I think how weird it is to be able to feel your own heart, to be able to feel where in your body your blood is moving and where it is not. I think about how I hate that this keeps happening, where I lose chunks of time, days-weeks-months, because of “flare-ups” or symptomatic times. I try to remind myself that it is not as bad as it used to be, that I am still managing to get dressed every day and keep working on my transcribing course even though I now move at a glacial pace. I even managed to keep running, until this weekend when those epic stomach symptoms took over.
Then I think about how I really cannot think about this one more second, and so I think about Val Chmerkovskiy and Dancing with the Stars instead.
There is no good way to deal with a flare-up. In the past, I have tried fighting it (bad idea-it always wins), have tried changing all my medications and my whole daytime routine in effort to find the tiny thing that set me off, and so on. None of that is beneficial, which is a HUGE BUMMER.
No, the best thing to do is Nothing. Which is way harder than you think it is.
I’m doing my best to go about my business, and keep on keeping on like everything is normal, and will pick up my pieces as needed as they fall around me. It kind of sucks.
Because of this, I’ve decided to go on Spring Break from blogging. I’ll be back in May, but I’m calling it and taking the end of April off. The hope is that 2 weeks will be enough for my system to regulate and find its new normal.