FacePaint for GrownUps

I am in awe of people who are good with makeup.

This is because I am not one of those people.

I can handle the fact that lipstick is for lips and eyeshadow is for eyes, but beyond that, I just can’t seem to figure it out.

It doesn’t help that there’s this thing called contouring now.


(Now, of course, is a relative term because I happen to know from perusing my mom’s back issues of 1980’s hairstylist magazines that Linda Evangelista kind of invented it long before any of the Kardashians were even born.)


Makeup users tell me I should use bronzer. It could change my life forever, they tell me.

I tried it once. If the life-change they were referring to was that I would now be prime Oompa-Loompa girlfriend material, I wish they would have been more specific at the outset so I could have saved myself $7.99. #NotMyThing


Desired Result


Actual Results

I love to look at makeup in its packaging, the way that I like to look at art materials at the craft store. It’s so pretty. The pinks are so pearlescent, the reds so rosy, the jewel tones so bright and vivid. Why would I want to mess up such perfection by trying to actually use some of it?


Like any autodidact worth her salt, I have tried very hard to learn how to use makeup properly on my own. I’m an expert researcher. I have done the Millennial version, which means I have watched countless hours of YouTube beauty vloggers try to explain to me how to navigate liquid eyeliner. I’ve gone old school, too, just to be well rounded, and rented Beauty School textbooks from the library. I learned about the quadrants of my face and how to expertly clean my makeup brushes should I ever, you know, use them.

I have become a walking “Those who can’t do, teach” cliché in that I can tell my sister exactly what to do to enhance the blend of her foundation, yet I rarely wear any myself.

I could pull a Chronic Card here, and say that my lack of energy adds into this conundrum.

It’s exhausting to put on a “face” and even more exhausting to try and get the stains off my pillowcase after I’ve faceplanted into it an hour later because I tend to do that a few times daily to “recharge” (#RechargingDoesntActuallyHappen #WakeUpMoreTired #Whyyyyy).

So, ok, it wouldn’t make sense for me to wear makeup everyday. But I would like to know how to do something should ever a special occasion arise.

Google images is a blessing and a curse.

On the one hand, it’s nice to have ideas about what to do.

Yet, chances are, that picture has been retouched, and I’m left wondering if my time would be better spent learning to use Photoshop instead. #AheadOfTheCurve #Maybe?images

Sometimes, even when you try your best to look like the picture, it just doesn’t come out that way, no matter how many times you rewatch a vlog for step-by-step instructions.

This is especially true concerning perfect eyebrows. I wanted my eyebrows to look like this:



Instead, I ended up looking kind of surprised. All the time. #TooSkinnyBrows

Update on that: I’ve had to hide my tweezers from myself for the past month so as to grow back my eyebrows before it’s too late and my over-tweezing habit becomes permanent. I don’t care to comment on this further. #SoCranky

Perhaps more important than the how of makeup is the why. What is it that I hope to gain from having mad makeup skillz?

(Yes, I used a “z” to pluralize skill. I’m trying to speak the language of my generation, ok? Chill. Or, chillz. You know. You knowz. Whatever. Whatevz.)

I want to learn to be better with makeup because sometimes I want to feel like an enhanced version of myself. I know what I look like in the mirror most days. It’s not so much a joke as it is a poignant character study to say that I match the standardized off-white walls of my house. Most days I feel pretty blank. But I know that that is not who I am on my insides.


Inside of me is a much more colorful person, desperately trying to get out.

I mean it.

My spirit animal is Rainbow Brite.


And Company…



I would dye my hair like this, tomorrow, if I didn’t think it would take So.Much.Effort to keep up with:




Hair is too much of a commitment, so I would love to know how to actually work those little spongey eyeshadow brushes so that I could do this:


And have my moment of color-wonderful-ness and then do something different tomorrow.


I would love to have the creative know-how to do that!


How about you, Chronic Readers? Do you wear makeup? Would you consider yourself good with makeup? Do you have a favorite feature that you like to play-up?

Also, do you happen to know how lip liner works?

…Could you tell me?

Mmkay. Thanx. 🙂


5 thoughts on “FacePaint for GrownUps

  1. sarcoidosissoldier says:

    You’re funny! I wear make up…almost every day but I keep it simple. It helps me feel more normal. It take practice to learn how to do it right. But maybe make up just isn’t your thing…that’s okay…nothing wrong with that. You’re what we call low maintenance and there is something to be said for that! It’s not a bad way to be! Oh, I get highlights in my hair too. So I guess I’m higher maintenance that you but I certainly know people who are super high maintenance and they actually look a little artificial and that’s not good either. I always enjoy reading your posts.

  2. More Than A Dash Of Salt says:

    Well written! I’ve always been curious what the ‘best’ my face could look if all the ‘proper’ techniques were used (I don’t think it helps I just finished watching an ep of top model) – like if I paid someone to do my make up for a function and then compared that to what I do to go out in public and see what the difference is. Then I kind of figure that how my face would look probably wouldn’t really look like my face but like a photoshopped version that just took about twenty minutes longer to do than normal. Haha!

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