Impossible = I’m possible

Know what’s the worst? Feeling like you can’t do something. Know what’s the best? Doing something you feel like you can’t. My insides have been all out of whack lately, probably due to all my POTSie socializing, traveling, and the fact that the dreaded month of August is upon us. (Side note: I’m sure August is a lovely month in other parts of the world. Here in the DC area, August is the absolute worst month ever. We were built in a swamp (Literally. Who’s bright idea was that?) and it feels like it. Non-Chronic people drop like flies in DC’s August. Even Congress takes a vaca and gets the heck out!) Oh, and I’m moving in a few weeks, that too. It’s just one zip-code over, but it’s moving all the same. I’ve been a little preoccupied with how wonky I feel. I’ve been trying to rest more, change my routine this way and that, in a vain attempt to make the wonky leave. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that the wonky just doesn’t want to budge. This leaves me with 2 choices. #1: I can focus on how everything feels super hard right now and let myself believe that, because I feel like a blender that has been turned on without its top securely in place, I am not able to do, well, anything right now. #2: Or I can go about my day doing what I planned to do, feel super wonky, and then just keep going anyway. This is a picture I took at 7 a.m. today when me and option #2 went out for a run. IMG_2134 Did I feel pretty gross this morning? Yes. It has been stormy and humid the past few days and I had a migraine yesterday that leveled me for the afternoon. Did I feel like I wanted to ignore my alarm and dive back under the covers till noon? Absolutely. I. Love. My. Bed. Yet… Here’s the thing. I run (still doing run/walk intervals, but I call it running cause it is) for me. I’m not running because some doctor told me to. I’m not running for my family, I’m not running for my friends. My dog does not care if I run- except that she gets confused when I leave the house without her (she’s mostly blind so she can’t be a running buddy). I run because I want to, because it makes me feel bright and shiny and happy and like maybe I can have a Life for 5 minutes and not just a Chronic one. So, if I picked option #1 and told myself that all of the things I’ve got going on, all the thoughts rolling around in my brain, that all of that was a perfectly legit reason to roll over and stare at the wall for another hour, the only person I would be disappointing would be myself. Isn’t that the worst kind of disappointment? So I got up. I ran 2 miles. It didn’t take very long. Now it’s over. Do I feel magically better? Not really. I still feel just as blender-ized as I did before. The difference is that somewhere in my brain, a little tally mark was checked off on the side of “Did something when I didn’t want to because it felt hard.” It might not feel any different right now, but those tally marks add up. Those tally marks are what make you better. Every time you keep going and push just enough, you earn one and they build a foundation from which you can be successful, Chronic or not. I’ve got a To-Do list about a mile long. I may not get to everything on it today or even tomorrow. I’ll do my best, keep plugging along. At some point, it will dawn on me that I really am capable of more than I may currently think. One day, I’ll wake up and won’t have such an epic battle of tug-of-war in my mind about what I think I can do. I’ll cash in my tally marks, and I’ll be grateful for days like today where I pushed myself just a pinch harder and earned each one. I hope you have the opportunity to earn some of your own tally marks today, Chronic Friends. What ever it is that feels hard for you, can you push yourself just a bit further than you thought possible? I believe in you and I have faith that you can! ❤

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2 thoughts on “Impossible = I’m possible

  1. AnonMS Blogger says:

    Love this. And for the record, run/walk intervals absolutely count as running. As do twelve minute miles. The key is just to get out there and move!

  2. Brittany Wattenbarger says:

    Any running at all is a huge achievement in my book! I can’t run thanks to my wonky knees and POTS and MG combo (as in, I’m banned from running), but I try to get exercise any way I can. Even when I don’t feel like it!

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