If your name isn’t ANTMAN, I don’t want you in my kitchen…

…and even then, please feel free to move along.

Tiny, multi-legged creatures have invaded my home.

None of them were being directed by a tiny, Supersuit-wearing, reformed criminal. I checked.

sm_Ant-Man-with-Flying-Ant

It’s springtime, and here in the Washington, DC area, it has been raining.

And raining.

And raining.

Therefore, I am not surprised that all sorts of creatures, great and small would like to be in my house right now, where it is warm and dry, instead of in the puddle of mud they once called home in my backyard.

However, while I am sympathetic to their plight, I have to draw a line somewhere, and that somewhere happens to be my kitchen.

Listen, I know that sugar cookies with homemade strawberry icing are irresistible.

I ate 4 of them in one sitting.

I know.

But that single solitary cookie crumb I dropped on the kitchen floor was not an invitation to the strawberry-iced, sugar cookie party.

And I promise, I really did not mean for it to be a Trojan horse, whereby you think you are getting a present of sugary goodness and then I turn around and massacre your tiny, multi-legged family with a paper towel and some disinfectant. #SorryNotSorry

I’m pretty sure that at this point, Karma will have me reincarnated as an insect 4.9 million times, because that is the number of ant lives I have taken this week. I’ve got red in my book in a big way. Sure, I could go full Buddhist and walk around with a broom sweeping the path before me so as not to accidently take an innocent bug-life, but really, Mr. Ant and company, I don’t want you in my house, and relocating all of you with a benevolent sweep or helpful instructions to find the door is just unrealistic at this point.

There are just to many of you.

Even if you were to have Hank Pym and/or Scott Lang with you, I would kick y’all out because, not going to lie, those guys are slightly overrated.

Ant-Man is my least favorite Marvel movie. Sure the special effects were kind of nifty when Paul Rudd and that guy who played a drugged out congressman in the first season of House of Cards were fighting and going from being normal-sized to ant-sized. Plus, they made Michael Douglas’s wrinkles magically disappear for the first 15 minutes of the movie. But really, Marvel made a multi-million dollar movie centered on the idea of a superhero that shrinks to miniature and rides a flying ant like a mythical Pegasus, and they still don’t believe that Black Widow should have her own movie? Do the execs really just have a bad case of closet arachnophobia? Because, in case they didn’t know, unlike Ant-Man, Black Widow has absolutely nothing to do with bugs. Sure, her alter-ego has a bug-related name, but only to get across her lethal reputation. A Black Widow movie would not be 2-1/2 hours of close-ups of an anthropomorphized spider (who, if she did exist, one could only hope would have a better name than “Antony” the ant). Instead, it would be a blissful 2-1/2 hours of Natasha Romanova kicking ass and taking names. #FeministComicBookLover #WhyMarvelWhy #30SecondRant

The rain does not appear to be letting up anytime soon (#Day18) and I have exhausted my options of ant spray and ant traps. And I am finding them everywhere now. How did they find my laundry basket? Why are they crawling across my TV screen? They are even harassing my dog and my fish. Which, let me just say, crosses a line.

I may be bigger and stronger and so much better looking, but alas, I am just one, and they are hundreds. I am not one to give up or surrender ever, but I’m thinking this one calls for a detente.

Here’s the deal Ants: You leave me and my food surfaces/clothing/pets alone, and I won’t squish the life out of you when you’re somewhere innocuous, like say, the doorframe or window ledge.

We can agree to disagree on the whole Antman topic, though, because I’m sure it’s a favorite of the swarm, and I don’t need another reason to get them riled up!

 

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One thought on “If your name isn’t ANTMAN, I don’t want you in my kitchen…

  1. Elizabeth B. says:

    I can’t remember if it takes care of ants or not, but you might check out Ortho Home Defense. I use it religiously because have rather severe arachnophobia and an extreme dislike of any kind of bug in my house at all… and we have an earwig problem :-/ when we remember to use it on time, it works fantastically! You can use it both inside and out, and once dry it’s pet safe. You spray it as a perimeter, so on doorframes and windows and wherever you see possible entrances. It claims every six months, but I’ve found that every 3-4 works best for outdoors if it’s been wet. The catch is it needs to be dry to use it in the first place. You could at least use it inside right now!

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