Me versus Magneto

Want to impress a medical technician?

Show up to your MRI wearing totally normal-looking clothes that contain absolutely no trace of metal. Anywhere.

Yes, thanks a bundle, sweetie, but I will not be needing that drab hospital gown that does not actually tie shut in the back.

Let me explain…

Magneto is my favorite X-Man (favorite X-Woman: Shadowcat, Rogue, Phoenix, Storm- don’t make me decide!). Sure, my love of this metal-wielding bad guy was initially stoked by the fact that Ian McKellan and Michael Fassbender play him in the movies (#Talented). But really, he is one cool dude. And seriously, in our day and age, what isn’t metal? He really would have a quick path to total world domination. That’s a true supervillian right there.

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I recently faced a real-world version of Magneto. Lay people call it an MRI machine (techies: magnetic resonance imaging). Magneto would LOVE this thing. It is a gigantic magnet, so essentially, it’s him. It can rip earrings from your ears, a pacemaker from your chest, a pin from your joint replacement. That hunk of metal is not screwing around.

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Not my real MRI. Understandably they don’t let you take photos of it with your metal iPhone when it is on…

MRIs are fascinating though. They can see your insides for goodness sakes. Okay, sure, lots of tests can see your insides, but MRIs are super fun because they can see your soft tissues, which are much more interesting than your skeleton. Not to knock x-rays, but anyone who’s sat in a science lab classroom has seen a skeleton. The thrill is gone.

(Fun fact: When German physics professor Wilhelm Roentgen discovered x-rays, he was super excited and showed his God-fearing wife, demonstrating his find using her hand. Instead of being like, “Thanks for sharing, hubby! That’s such a nifty discovery!” the poor woman flipped out, insisting that he had shown her a vision of her own death. Isn’t science fun?)

Often, MRIs are of brains, and fMRI (the f stands for functional) can be used in all sorts of serious research projects like, “When you think of cookies, what part of your brain lights up?”

My MRI was for my abdomen, because that plague of awfulness I was blogging about in December of last year just didn’t want to quit, until it did, but then it came back again. #Cruel

As per usual, I suited up in my Captain America apparel. Sure, I’m mixing books, and going all Avengers vs. X-Men (which was a great cross-over special that you should definitely read!), but when you are facing a bad guy, like Magneto in health testing machine form, you suit up.

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When you are a chronic, you pick up on things in medical settings. For instance, you do not actually have to live in the gross hospital gown when you are at the hospital just because one is given to you. Sure, wear it for procedures, whatever, but if you are getting a simple saline-fillup or are there for more than 2 days, wear your own clothes, people. Sigourney Weaver may hate sweat clothing, but we cannot all be Sigourney Weaver all the time, now can we? (#Goals #SigourneyAllTheTime)

Also, you get to know the most frequent medical tests and what they entail. We pass on the red and orange colored jello (#1 no-no for gastro testing), we avoid the cherry flavored anything (Cherry flavor does not make anything taste better, promise), and we know to wear a pull-on sports bra and yoga pants to our MRIs. No buttons, no fasteners, no getting superglued to the side of a Magneto machine. Mmmkay?

So, yes, this will impress your technician. They might also not believe you, and run through the list of all things metallic that might be hanging out on your person. (Um, no, I don’t have a tongue ring or other body piercing that cannot be seen, but thanks for the double check? #SureYouWerentBeingCreepy)

It’s also just plain more comfortable. I mean really, if you are going to be trapped in – I mean situated inside of – a very small vessel of magnet magnitude for a very long time (most MRIs are upwards of 30 minutes), you should be wrapped in a hug of Steve Rogers memorabilia that covers your tush. At least that’s my feeling on the matter.

In case you were wondering, my MRI was normal in terms of my digestive system, although no matter which way I look at the images of my spleen, I’m just not convinced it is supposed to look so much like a blob. Are spleens supposed to be blob-y? Am I even looking at my spleen? The world may never know…

 

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